So, hopefully you've read that last journal, or else you're going to be terribly confused and you should just stop here.

Tomas, if you read this, i don't mean to pick on your mum. Not sure if you appreciate it as much as i do [which i don't], but i'm trying to give honest opinions here.

.......

Today is Saturday, July 11th, 2009, and i am in Lancaster, California. Tomas is in El Rito, New Mexico. The distance is approximately 884.44 miles. This made me cry nonstop for 45 minutes in the shower upon my return home.

Mostly because it was my decision.

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Excerpt from notebook, dated 7/3/09:

"Today marks the day i've been in New Mexico for one week - and i've only one week left.

Everyone wants a report on how my time here is, but honestly, i don't know what to think. As i sit here, the only thing i can think of is how i've been swept away in how everyone else is feeling about it. Until now.

Now that i sit and think about it [with echoes of Tomas' yelling at his mother from the kitchen], there are far too many reasons for me not to stay than for me to do so. The foremost, which i had oh-so-conveniently put out of mind when i actually considered moving out here, is Tomas' mother.

i know she's not a bad person, but she and i definitely don't see eye-to-eye. Not that it leads to any disputes between us, however, as i'm usually too intimidated to try and start any kind of confrontation. She's lazy, she's bossy, she's frivolous, she's hypocritical a lot of the time, and she's also the worst pack rat i've ever met in my life. Quite frankly, i have a hard time respecting her. On top of that, with the amount of possessions in her house that she refuses to throw out, i'm not sure it would be physically possible for me to live with them -- i'm surprised there's enough room for Tomas, really.

Sometimes, i stop and wonder if, when he asked me to stay here, did Tomas really have MY best interest at heart, or was he only thinking of what would make him happy?

After i got sick of wondering, i asked him point blank; He really wasn't. Not that i hold it against him - i'm really, really flattered that someone would be that crazy about me - but SOMEONE'S got to look out for me. Might as well be me."

........

Opinions aside, the facts still remain about what matters most to me: my education.

- The nearest college to El Rito is in Espanola, which is about 30 minutes away. The nearest college to where i live is AVC, about 3 minutes away.

- Estimated tuition for UCLA per academic year (9 months) for a California resident is $24,413. For a non-CA resident? $47,082. A difference of $22,669: almost double!

- While attending school at home, i'll be supported by my parents. As long as i'm taking a full load of classes, a job is optional; my dad is even discouraging it. Though i like the idea of being independent, it's just not practical while i'm still getting my schooling done.

........

But don't get me wrong. New Mexico doesn't completely suck balls or anything. The scenery is fricking BEAUTIFUL, and the weather is almost like home - just how i like it. If you're in the right area [or if you have a decent car and don't mind driving], there's a good amount of stuff to do, even if it's just dicking around, blasting weird music at cholos.

i haven't anything against the area i was in [except mebbe the house], just some of the company and the circumstances i was in.

Honestly, i plan on going back again. Not entirely sure when; i'm going to try and see about Thanksgiving or Winter break, mebbe. i'll plan things better next time, now that i have an idea of what's out there, and i'll rent a car or some shit so i don't get stuck at home all day. Honestly, that's what freaked me out and made me want to come home a bit earlier than scheduled.

[[Tomas, i know you're going to say something about how i should have spoken up so we could have done more stuff or toughed it out during the weekdays so we could have fun on the weekends or about how i was too lazy all the time, but it still stands; the atmosphere was draining and kinda depressing. Hopefully things will be much, much better next time; i'll do my best to see to it.]]

TL;DR: i'm not moving to New Mexico... yet. i'd DEFINITELY consider it after i finish school, especially if Tomas isn't sick of me by then. :3

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Tomas, i fucking love you, and thinking about you makes me tear up and turns my nose into mucus city. i hope you're doing alright back there; i can't tell because you're never on Steam, so mebbe you'll see this.

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Everyone else, lemme know if you guys wanna do anything. i need to kill time, and i don't want to be all BLAAAAAAH this week.